(North Korean Embassy, Prague, Czech Republic – naw, just kidding, but almost got you there!)

On the Road in Germany, Admiring Fritz and the Mighty-Might of the World’s 4th-Largest Economy
Dreaming of the 1920s When Things Were More Normal In These Parts
13:30 CET
Grooving to Stevie Wonder on Michael Ruetten’s Soul Searching

Lions and tigers and bears and…North Koreans in Prague?! Who ‘dat?

Yeah, you read that correctly. Pyongyang maintains a robust diplomatic presence here in the Sketch Czech Republic, a legacy of its previous snuggle bunny relationship with the former Czechoslovakia. A partnership that stretches back decades, long before such cute little annoyances like 1989’s Vel Rev (aka “The Velvet Revolution”).

Ties between the DPRK and today’s Sketch, oops, Czech Republic remain, much to the patchouli-daubed showerless protesting crowd’s chagrin, alive and well thankyouverymuch, chugging headlong into the 21st-century as the glorious Korean “Paradise on Earth” seeks to resurrect the DPRK’s old comradeships with its former Central European Cold War stalwarts. All this in advance of a proposed peninsular all-or-nuttin’ takeover, as per Bam Bam’s recent statements to the media.

Are you afraid yet?

Now if I were you, I would be just a wee bit worried. Wasn’t it Bam Bam himself who just told the press — and I’m clearly paraphrasing here – that any future all-Korean conflict will deliver that once-and-for-all coup de grace to determine a real winner in the unresolved war?

But more to the point, what the fargin hell can the North Koreans be up to around these mullet-haired parts? Why is NK’s embassy not being vigorously surrounded by furious bottle chucking fist-brandishing human rights protestors at this very moment, instead of having their embassy spooks and assorted Kim posterior waxers mollycoddled by their Czech opposite numbers at some of Prague’s most exclusive 5-star bistros and night spots? What sorts of shady deals are being hatched right out in the open between our opportunistic Mafiosi politicos and those wearers of the Kim Il-sung badges (aka, the “Great” Leader, President-For-Life)?

Sadly, I haven’t succeeded (yet!) in getting near these silent confabs, hover as often as I might outside said establishments toting my high-tech surveillance gear and obstreperous bullheaded ways, never seeming to say die. For I can’t seem to slip the cordon of shaved-headed, 5-stroke model shagging, meat-scarfing Czech mindless beefcakes assiduously guarding the entrance door to said locale. Try as I might to shake, shimmy, rattle and roll, even performing my best rendition of the electric boogaloo to get inside, I can’t bust the bunker, babies, I just can’t (yet!).

I mean, I could, theoretically, take a run at this veritable wall of offensive lineman flesh. But I prefer my nose in the place it presently sits, so this, er…breaking reportage will have to wait for the moment.

However, based on some of my past discussions with local US stringers who cover this sort of cloak and dagger dish, here’s what I’m guessing these present dastardly discussions entail. And, oh yeah, how do I know this meeting is definitely up to no good? Well, I don’t.

But if the Czechs and North Koreans are in the same room at some heavily-guarded offsite spot, you better believe it ain’t because they want to spoon and canoodle off in one of the place’s dark corners.

So analyze this, my babies:

• can they be discussing potential weapons sales? It might come as a surprise to some, but the Czech Republic still engages in a lucrative global arms trade. Rifles, tanks, guns, and other heavy weaponry gets shipped F.O.B. straight from the Hanseatic Port of Hamburg, all to the highest bidder. Some of it’s legal, some of it ain’t. But North Korea is likely shopping the Czech catalogue for some potentially shanzhai-able knockoffs, in the market for some of this nation’s best battle-ready rolling stock for the conflict that always threatens to be right around the bend. If the North gets its way, it will be stocked to the gills in advance of any Valkyrie-like “battle for all the marbles” scenario on the peninsula.
• or how about potential asylum for defeated NK military types and other members of NK’s “Family” (aka the Kim Cabal)?: Several rogue North Korean embassy personnel might wish “friendly” Czech guarantees that in the event of a total DPRK meltdown, run over as it would be by a mightier joint US-ROK force, this country would warmly absorb the cream of DPRK’s military crop to prevent their extradition back to a justice-frenzied ROK. Che Guevara did it here during the ‘60s. He made extensive use of a safe house in Prague’s Ladvi neighborhood during his frequent jaunts to Africa, the USSR, and South America. There’s even recently released documented evidence of this from Czech Secret Police Archives. So what could asylum entail for the North Koreans? Definitely 24h guard, spending money, diplomatic credentials, hot Czech prostitutes on a revolving door; the works, basically. And the quid pro quo for the Czechs? Privileged access to key NK industrial installations in a post-Kim DPRK.
• or how about an NK commitment by the Czech Republic to vote against robust UN sanctions slapped on the DPRK for its aggressive recent military moves: NK diplomats might be feeling the Czech side out to determine the latter’s preparedness to come to NK’s diplomatic rescue in the event of the Security Council votes to slap a modified combination of sanctions on the Hermit Kingdom. If the Czechs can somehow lead the way in mustering enough votes against the proposal, the Security Council might be swayed to reverse its decision. And the upside for the Czechs? More post-Kim economic incentives and prime exclusivities. Um, yeah..right.
• or perhaps it’s a discussion about of the Czech Republic as a potential transit nation for renegade North Korean elements seeking refuge in the West: I can’t believe I typed that last sentence. Doesn’t it read so Cold War-ish? But if I must explain myself…imagine what happened in these parts back in 2000 when Mohammed Atta, one of the 9/11 hijackers himself, used Prague as a meeting spot between him and his Iraqi handler? Or the countless other former Yugos and other nefarious Eastern European and former Soviet groups who abuse our Golden Burg as a transit city on their way from areas of high criminal concentration (Eastern Europe) to areas of low criminal concentration (the West). For permitting this “new osmosis,” Prague’s poobahs are lavished with gifts like a high-class ho (egs. robust investment, shady types residing here with deep pockets, political backhanders and other wasteful cash-only earmarks). The North Koreans just wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth that the old reliable underground railway is still alive and kicking, ready for more abuse when the time comes.

Or perhaps it was just a friendly chow down of lunch meats, noodles, along with a beer chaser? Men of the world’s third oldest profession merely breaking bread.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I find out what went on for sure…

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