Posts Tagged ‘dear leader’

(yay! imported Chinese fans for a recent North Korea soccer friendly – and I kid you not!)

 
(our glorious football squad, presently pitying the world’s “other” soccer teams in Johannesburg)

Alright, so we lost our first Group G match yesterday, 2-1 against the mighty single-named Brazilians and their wonderful piece of Kaka. Hey, this is the group of death, kids, so can you even blame us for taking a few shots in the gauntlet?

Yet we showed considerable pluck throughout the 90 minutes. We battled like ancient Koryo warriors. We galloped up and down the pitch like the horsebacked drawers and water and hewers of wood, just like our holy ancestors did in Ancient Koryo, before we were defiled by foreigners. During the game we were duly inspired by the uplifting dreams of the delicious white rice and nutritious meat we might eat – if our Dear Leader considers us worthy enough of the privilege — back in our glorious socialist motherland at the foot of our Great Leader’s statue on Mansu Hill upon our return to the DPRK from this roiling capitalist cesspool, the inheritor to the imperialist apartheid state of South Africa.

(glorious Kim Il-sung pointing at incoming turds over on Mansu Hill)

Here’s what our brilliant, gifted, 100% Korean with-nothing-else-added coach, Kim Jong-hun said about the results of the Brazilian tussle:

The fact that [our] players scored a goal against a strong team like Brazil gives me a lot of pleasure. We didn’t win but we gained valuable experience. We’re going to be more confident, we want to win our remaining games and get through to the knockout stage. Throughout the match the players followed our gameplan and defended well. We were very well prepared and we got some good shots in on goal. I think we fought bravely and with a little bit of luck we could even have got a better result.

Read the rest of this entry »

(pictured: Kim “Bam Bam” Jong-il quaffs a glass of delicious grape juice with Chinese President Hu “’Dat?!” Jintao)

So now it’s the pundits’ turn — yay! — to parse through the detritus of Bam Bam’s week-long “secret” trip to the PRC. Time to wheedle through the she-said/he-said to suss out the true “between the lines” message the North Korean strong weak man wished to hastily convey to his Chinese sugar daddies interlocutors over the past week, now that both he and his country farm, the DPRK, are on the verge of keeling over and plutzing.

Essentially, Kim ran the Middle Kingdom “milk run” with a trifecta of items on this short shopping list; must-haves, as far as Bam Bam was concerned, for the so-called “6-party” to continue and for them to harbor any hopes of Shawty! returning to their bargaining table in their bid to increase the regional peace.

(pictured: Shawty!)

So now, in order of priority, here’s what Kim did his level best to nail down during last week’s trip to China:

Read the rest of this entry »

The “Youth Captain.” So what do you think? Catchy new moniker for North Korea’s heir apparent, Kim Jong-un or out-and-out insipid?

What with both the Great and Dear Leader honoraria already bestowed upon the late Kim Il-sung and son Kim Jong-il, respectively — coupled with the fact that the “Young General” title has already been snatched up by Kim Jong-nam, the DPRK’s heir presumptive — “Youth Captain” seems just about as good as any, I suppose. Wonder what special powers and funky weapons they’ll be kitting the 27 year-old out with? Captain America has a flying saucer-like indestructible shield with those fists of fury. So what will the youngest Kim have? Will we even fear and loathe him? (Doesn’t he look mysteriously similar to the young Pol Pot?)

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m dating myself here, of course, but I can still remember watching this grainy commercial back in the day with a Cap’n Crunch-filled cereal bowl perched on my lap while sitting in front of the Boob Tube in crinkled morning PJs. If you’re part of this privileged minority, please let me know here.

And speaking of “privileged” minorities, I got to thinking about that tiny clique of Pyongyang (North Korea) Watchers out there and how we somehow all band together like a group of werewolves in 1987’s The Lost Boys (and girls, of course) in search of morsels of Kim Jong-il fare to sate our abiding, though inexplicably unbalanced, obsession with affairs in the Hermit Kingdom.

Read the rest of this entry »

Pictured above is a North Korean man scraping away inside a tin can for food morsels during the mid-nineties famine in that country. The snap was likely taken around the worst phase of the country’s co-called “Arduous March,” a term borrowed from the Chinese Communists and a plum example of North Korean propaganda par excellence, to somehow explain away the ravages of the shortages which plagued DPRK in the wake of the Soviet Bloc’s collapse, hoodwinking its own population. Though not everyone…

Read the rest of this entry »